In the project itself, everything just went wrong in his eyes, client appointments have to be postponed again and again, which causes him great digestive distress. On the other hand, there is a perfectionist on the client's side who, without taking priorities into account, tracks down even the smallest mistake, which costs the client and his team an enormous amount of time. Nothing in the project met the client's expectations, and in the process he also noticed himself that he found it difficult to organize himself well.
With this described condition, the client presented the image of a person who was in the process of completely losing the overview or had already lost it. It was also clear that he was living in a permanent state of alarm, caused by the fear of failing with this so important project. This state of alarm also caused him great concern, because: "I don't know what's wrong with me at all, I have never experienced it before! I have always loved going to work, but at the moment I have to force myself."
In the first coaching session, we first analyzed his method of self-organisation, which was anything but optimal. Secondly, it became clear how difficult it was for the client to keep his boundaries with the customer. He even gave in to client requests that were nonsensical or unreasonable from a project point of view. This effort to please the client in everything led to permanent alterations that put a strain on the entire project group.
In the first session, we first worked out ways and possibilities to better structure the project and improve his self-management. However, it also became very clear in the coaching that if we did not end his state of alarm, the client would keep jumping back and forth between all the activities. The inner alarm, the fear of failure, would always prevent him from working in a structured way. I therefore offered to do Introvision Coaching with the client.
Introvision Coaching is a rapid, elegant way to achieve great change with little time investment. Originally developed at the University of Hamburg by Prof. Dr. Angelika Wagner, we have turned a method designed to help teachers manage their stress into a coaching format that leads to impressive results. With Introvision Coaching, it's possible to permanently dissolve stress, inner blockages, negative thought patterns and beliefs. Even firmly anchored, counter-productive behavior patterns that seemed resistant to change "suddenly" make way for the new, desired conduct.
When someone experiences a stressful or terrible situation - be it several times, perhaps intensively over several years in childhood or adolescence, or be it in the case of a trauma only once, but all the more impressive for that - an alarm can form in the amygdala. The amygdala is part of the limbic system, which processes information from the organism as well as messages from outside and evaluates this.
The alarm, which for whatever reason has installed itself in the amygdala, warns like an inner imperative: "Attention - highest danger! This situation must be avoided at all costs!" And in the future, the alarm will always go off immediately if, actually or supposedly, there is a risk that the situation will develop in the same way as it should not be under any circumstances. This state of alarm, into which someone can fall, is a stress reaction that has played a vital role in the evolutionary history of mankind. Because the instantaneous release of stress hormones initiated by the amygdala enables humans to perform at their best from zero to one hundred in order to flee or fight.
Since the alarm in the amygdala was part of a survival reaction, it is triggered so quickly that rational considerations, which originate in the much slower cerebrum, usually cannot oppose it, because all these considerations always come after the fact. The amygdala doesn't differentiate whether the situation is actually dangerous at the moment or whether it is only classified as dangerous by us on the basis of past experiences - the stress reaction is the same. This inner state of stress forces the person to behave in a certain way, even if this makes no sense at all, even in the person's own eyes. But all the resolutions made afterwards to really do things differently next time fizzle out - once the alarm bells start ringing, the old feelings immediately kick in with all the unpleasant side effects, and the person follows the old familiar pattern of behavior that was used at some point as a "survival strategy" - perhaps because he or she had no alternative behavior as a child.
The purpose of any alarm is to trigger an action: Flight, fight or play dead, whereby the modern form of play dead is probably the adaptation/submission. An alarm, however, to which nobody reacts, is useless! Since our brain is a much too efficient organ to afford a senseless waste of energy - and an alarm consumes large amounts of energy! - it will extinguish the alarm if no more reaction takes place.
This is where Introvision Coaching comes in: With this method, the alarm in the amygdala is allowed to run empty, so that the stimuli that previously triggered it, no longer trigger a reaction. Introvision Coaching uses a form of mindfulness technique (or Attentive Perception according to Prof. Dr. Angelika Wagner) from the "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" program, which clients can learn during their first session. This largely meditative technique consists of adopting an inner attitude in which, without judging, one perceives purely observingly, which thoughts come and go, which feelings arise and which physical reactions occur when one exposes oneself to the alarm-triggering thought, which coach and client have previously worked out together. In order to be able to detect and classify changes while working with Introvision Coaching, the client rates the degree of his/her alarm on a scale of 1 to 10.
It is important for the work with Introvision Coaching that the client continues to do the exercise at home, either until his alarm has reached zero or until the next session. In any case, the exercises must be continued until the alarm is completely at zero, because any residual alarm that is still present can, if the stimulus is only high enough or the external stress level increases, build up again. However, this does not happen when the alarm is cleared - then it remains gone once and for all.
In order to activate the client's inner alarm, we worked with the sentence "It may be that I totally fail with my project and then be rejected". The alarm didn't seem to be that high at first, only about four or five on a scale of ten, but I advised the client to do his exercises at home with this sentence anyway. How this has affected him is shown by his e-mails, which may be published here with his permission.
In the second session, we took another in-depth look at his self-organization and worked out ways in which he could optimize his self-management. We then worked on a second alarm with Introvision Coaching, which was triggered by the sentence "I may cut myself off and then be totally rejected". And what a revolutionary change this brought for him, you can also read in his emails.
E-Mail-Project Manager's Diary:
Friday, 25.05.
Mood very optimistic. A lot of thought about the topic "What are my priorities, what do I have to do myself, what do I have to delegate?" Scrum role description "Scrum master" and "product owner" imported.
Saturday, 26.05.
In the morning I did the Introvision exercise two times in a row. I don't know if I did it right or thought too much. I could not detect the feeling like in Konstanz. Many people from the project crossed my mind. The thought "What can really happen to me?" keeps coming to my mind. I think I have found my priorities for the next few days. The phrase "Do I want to please the customer or the project?" keeps running through my head. Maybe I have to risk more often to annoy the customer in the short term, if necessary, so that the project comes to a good end.
Sunday, 27.05.
Exercise done twice in a row in the morning. It's hard for me to imagine myself in the situation of "the project is totally failing". I keep thinking "how would that feel?". Movie in the afternoon, then short term frustration that the weekend is soon over and tomorrow the project continues. Thinking a lot about where my responsibility ends and that of my colleagues, esp the developers, begins.
My wife is under the impression that I look less stressed (eyes). Already today?
Monday, 28.05.
Exercise done twice in a row in the morning. I was frustrated for a short time, but then I went to the office optimistically. The attempt to point out to the developers that they also have to make their contribution in the sense of more efficient programming, went in the shitter. Developers: If you (project managers) always reprioritize, you shouldn't be surprised.
Subproject manager meeting was ok. Actually, the day was relatively relaxed.
In the evening now (18:40) repeated the exercise again. I didn’t have the "oppressive" feeling I had the first time in Konstanz.
Took a break in the afternoon. Now work another two three hours.
Tuesday, 29.05.
After waking up a bit tense/nervous, blood pressure too high for the first time in many days with two measurements. Today at 08:30 is projectmanager conference call.
Did the exercise twice in the morning. Thoughts: there is so much to do in our company. Everyone who has been with us since the beginning always has a task area. Feelings during the exercise: nervousness settles.
Project manager conference call has been very constructive. From time to time a slight feeling of insecurity arose, but it was not bad.
I notice that more and more often I have the thought "What may actually happen?" - and that this thought calms me down.
Repeated the morning exercise again. Thoughts like "the customer won't accept me in any future meeting, no matter what topic I work on" came up. But actually, no feelings about it. I am very relaxed during the exercise. During the day nothing special happens.
Wednesday, 30.05.
Exercise done twice right after getting up. Jumped back and forth with thoughts quite a bit. Briefly, an image came up of me sitting at a desk with absolutely nothing for me to do. That's when my heartbeat sped up briefly. But then somehow the thought came up "nice to earn so much money and not have to do anything for it anymore".
Actually, I am quite relaxed at work. Two errors occurred today, which may become a problem. I would like to know the status as exactly as possible, because these issues will probably be addressed today in the status teleconference, but the topics do not create stress.
What keeps coming to my mind or what pulls me out of other work is a meeting next Tuesday. Since we probably won't be able to fix all the open bugs by the June 30 target date, we need to prioritize the open issues with the customer. We have had meetings like this before and they were usually very emotional. But I can't tell if it's fear of this meeting or just a listless "don't discuss/argue with XY again". Or maybe it's the fear of not having the necessary resources available during the meeting. But that should never happen if I don't fall into tunnel vision in the meeting. Why can't I actually manage to look forward to the meeting "it's going to be a funny back and forth tussle".
15:45 - Phone call with an external consultant. He: "How are you?" Me: "Thank you, good." Him: "I can tell by your voice. What was going on?" I explained to him that I went through coaching to help me deal with my situation. He: "You'll have to pay your coach extra for a meal - that one made a lot of difference!"
Thursday, 31.05.
Exercise done twice first thing in the morning. Is somehow relaxing?!?! In recap, the week has been quite good and productive so far: project report created, controlling done, project plan updated, a spreadsheet updated that has been sitting around outdated for ages. Monday's deadline keeps running through my head. The developers are not working efficiently and pragmatically enough, on the target "delivery 30.06." = I just have a feeling based on certain observations, but I have no "proof". Why didn't I wait for a concrete situation and then analyze it with the developers. Often it is easy for me to put myself in the developers' shoes and understand their actions. But every now and then I think to myself "I don't have the strength to understand you again and again. Finally do your job and just take care to finish on time. and don't always just program until you like the result and then tell me that it just took longer again. And then I'm supposed to just adjust the schedule again and report the further delay." Why can't I convince everyone that the next deadline is so important? Because we've already ripped off so many deadlines and it actually kept going anyway?
Yesterday there was a whole lot of positive feedback about my work and the work of the team. Yesterday was a good day!
What I'm doing here - was that actually Ulrich's assignment?
Started reading the Introvision book. I don't know if I'm doing the exercise correctly. First, it says "max 10 minutes" - doing the exercise twice in a row is probably wrong then. And I'm not sure if I'm not trying too hard to imagine the situation of failure instead of just observing the reaction to the sentence. Maybe that's why I never sense the fear the way I did in Konstanz? Tomorrow morning a new attempt.
Friday, 01.06.
Today for the first time the exercise before getting up and done only once. Not a great idea - fell asleep.
The day was very good. Discussed the current project situation with a colleague who has a lot of experience with large projects and got some good suggestions.
Mail after the 2nd meeting
attached the notes of the last days. I am very happy with my situation. I have a bit of a hard time evaluating if the alarm is now at 0 or 1. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe you can hear your heart beating louder and louder when you concentrate on it.... Currently I do the exercise ( limiting) every day after getting up and the exercise ( failing) before going to bed. Only the day directly after the second coaching was really noticeable. After that, the reaction to both exercises was always very manageable.
Thursday 07. 06.
Did exercise 2 after getting up. I noticed at the beginning of the exercise that I was nervous. Some heart racing. Pictures of people I have a hard time zoning out on. The palpitations get a little more as the sentence goes on - just a little. Then, the last or second to last time the sentence is said, I see myself as a school kid showing a report card or a piece of paper with a test to my mom. And the child says to me "don't you do that to your kids". I get a crying fit. The exercise is over. How can one sentence trigger that? Score on a scale of 1-10 --> 15.
Should I have done the exercise a second time now? The experience wasn't exactly liberating; I can't get the image out of my head for about an hour. Do I feel the same now as I did before the first coaching? Is the positivity now gone again all at once?
After that, thank goodness, a phone call with a consultant is scheduled - but that's when I realize that I'm still fine. Although I usually try to spend as little time as possible with this consultant, we talk on the phone not only for the planned 30 minutes but for almost a full hour. Normally I oppose to implement suggestions of this consultant - today I hear myself saying "You are right, that is a good suggestion".
I already have a few ideas for Quadrant 2 topics - my todo list is already beginning to form in my head. Choosing a tool to write it all down is the first item.
Now it's 11:30 - and so much has already happened today. The rest of the day will now be a real vacation day - without company issues. But probably the thoughts of this morning will come into my head from time to time.
In the afternoon, during the drive home, I made two phone calls with my colleagues. At the moment everything looks positive. Discussed ideas for the next project phase with a colleague. Lots of energy on my part. His comment: "Come down from your coaching high back into your normal state of project depression".
Friday, 08. 06.
After getting up, performed exercise 2 (demarcate). In contrast to yesterday, there was little reaction today. Scale: 2 to 3. The day was good. Started cleaning out the mailbox. Goal "Zero-Inbox" is not reached yet, but after the weekend it is realistic. And the automatic check for new emails is now deactivated, i.e. even in the footer there is not the slightest hint that there might be new emails waiting. Also started to plan the structures for the next project phase. And there was a new project report today - at the moment everything is going uphill - fascinating.
In the evening I did exercise 1 ("failure"). No reaction.
Saturday, 09.06.
After getting up, performed the exercise (demarcate) once. Scale: 1-2.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel that I am looking forward to working - today the mailbox will be cleared out further. I feel really good.
In the evening before going to sleep did the exercise (fail) once. Scale: 1.
Sunday, 10.06.
In the morning, I did the exercise (demarcate)) once. Scale: 1. This time I no longer had a nervous feeling either. No special thoughts.
Mailbox tidied up - ZERO Inbox 🙂
Next project: Todo-list
Already made an initial list with Todoist from thoughts and watched a few videos on how to use Todoist.
In the evening I did the exercise (fail). Scale: 1
Monday, 11.06.
After getting up, performed the exercise (demarcate). Scale: 2. There is a little heart pounding, but not much. No special images.
Am a bit agitated/upset today because my daughter is not well. She is not happy with her work for school and is crying terribly right now. Maybe the heart pounding comes from that too.
Today was the first day that I worked according to the todo list. Makes sense.
In the evening I did the exercise (fail) once. Scale: 1
Tuesday 12.06.
In the morning, the exercise ("demarcate") was performed once. Scale: 2. The exercise triggers very little anymore. But I still feel a little more pounding in my heart.
The day was good. To work by a todo list is not so easy. Also resisting the urge to check the inbox in between to see if there is a new mail is very tempting. But it is progressing. Also today a few todos done, i.e. productivity increases.
In a meeting and then at dinner with the client I noticed that I find it easier to address "unpleasant" topics. It's not perfect, but it's better. I am more aware in the discussion.
Then in the evening did exercise (fail). Scale 1.
Wednesday 13.06.
Exercise (demarcation) performed once after getting up. Scale: 1
Working by todo list didn't work out so well today. In the end I decided to work adhoc on todo's that " came to my mind" or that opened up for me, without the detour via the todo list - were they really all quadrant 1? Hmmmm...with a little goodwill yes. So I couldn't do the todos I had planned for today. But even in this situation, my list gives me the confidence that I won't get lost. The stress obviously comes less from the knowledge that something is left undone, but from the uncertainty whether something important is overlooked. Working by todo list didn't work out so well today. In the end I decided to work adhoc on todo's that " came to my mind" or that opened up for me, without the detour via the todo list - were they really all quadrant 1? Hmmmm...with a little goodwill yes. So I couldn't do the todos I had planned for today. But even in this situation, my list gives me the confidence that I won't get lost. The stress obviously comes less from the knowledge that something is left undone, but from the uncertainty whether something important is overlooked.
Exercise (fail) performed in the evening. Scale: 1
Thursday, 14.06.
Exercise (demarcate) done in the morning. From time to time the image of someone who completely turns away from me comes up (today it was my project manager counterpart at the customer). Then I notice that my heart beats/throbs more intensely. But panic/despair does not arise. I don't know if I don't care or if I just don't believe that this kind of complete turning away will happen.
The work day was good. The todo list is a real winner.
I had a few moderately difficult conversations with colleagues and the client. I think I'm really more relaxed. I'm starting to believe that my "high" can survive the next project crisis.
3rd. Mail
Working with the todo list has also brought me a step further. It gives me a certain structure and I notice that I now simply tackle one or the other point that I used to put off. Next week I'll be away for two days doing the Scrum Master training, after which I've bought myself another 10 support days so that I can specialize in the direction of Product Owner. This will bring us another significant step forward in the project.
So to sum up: my daughter would say "it's rolling" :)
Do you have any hints for me? Is there anything else I should address? From your point of view, is another appointment recommendable/meaningful? Here is my diary:
Friday, 15.06.
Before starting work, the exercise (demarcation) is carried out. Scale 1. The exercise did not trigger anything today. Looking forward to this day.
Meeting with Scrum specialists. New project structure is taking shape. Very fruitful day. Customer meetings went well despite the difficult situation.
Performed the exercise (fail) once in the evening. Scale 1.
Samstag, 16.06.
Exercise (demarcation) performed once after getting up. Scale 2.
In the evening exercise (fail). Scale 1.
The possible optimization in the project hardly lets go of me mentally - positive. The work is fun again. And I also enjoy leisure activities and conversations with friends and acquaintances again.
Sunday,17.06.
Exercise (demarcation) performed after getting up. Scale 1.
Full of energy - but will "force" me to a day off. Well - maybe read a little about Scrum.
After reading half a Scrum book, I am convinced that we are on the right track here. In my imagination, an increasingly clear picture emerges of what the project team should look like in the near future.
Before falling asleep, perform the exercise (fail). Scale 0. No special thoughts. No physical reactions.
Monday, 18.06.
Exercise ( demarcate) performed after getting up. Scale 1. There are no major reactions, feelings, thoughts - but that this exercise triggers absolutely nothing, I can't say either.
Today there are many exciting meetings, a lot of convincing. Let's see how calm, controlled, deliberate I can be, and if/when the hormones take over.
Successful day! A decision to improve the process in the project was taken. In the future, I will mainly take care of clarifying and prioritizing the requirements. Details will be worked out in the next 3 weeks.
In the evening exercise (fail) performed. Scale 0
Tuesday, 19.06.
Exercise (demarcate) performed after getting up. Scale 1. Today I found it difficult to maintain the broad perception. So many thoughts about the ideas for the next phase of the project are rushing through my head.
What is different from before? I have countless thoughts, but I still manage to stay calm. I have a plan on how to approach the next few days, or what is really important in the next few days, which is very reassuring.
Scrum training has been fixed today. Next week I'll be in class.
Two things were remarkable for me today:
- The offer for the Scrum training: The consultant informed me that last Friday he had not considered that a colleague was on vacation all week - so the planned offer was difficult to implement. In the past, I would have said here: "Well, if it's not possible, then it's a pity". Instead, I wrote back, "I'm counting on you to make this happen." First answer "thanks for the pressure :)". Second answer: "We have found a solution." That feels good.
- for the first time in a meeting with a consultant, I managed not to feel responsible for something that, in my opinion, is out of my scope of influence. I argued why I think I did everything necessary - and that now the supplier simply has to bear the consequences for not doing his job. In the past, I would have looked for fault on my part at this point, but today I didn't care. In retrospect, it is almost frightening :)
In the evening, I had dinner with the consultant and two colleagues. I noticed in the conversations that I am very self-confident / self-assured again.
In the late evening did the exercise (fail). Scale 1. what changes during the exercise? Heart pounding increases a bit.
Wednesday 20.6.
Exercise ( demarcate) performed. Scale 0. Today I listened to/followed the text and made no observations, noticed no reactions.
The status meeting today worked well for me. I stayed relatively calm and my own perception was that the hormones never took over. I am very satisfied.
To experience such a complete change in his emotional life, his entire attitude to life, in just three weeks is something the client could never have imagined at the beginning of the coaching. We have such experiences with Introvision Coaching all the time. That's why, from our point of view, this method is the perfect complement to all other coaching tools, which are, of course, also needed, as this case exemplifies. But conventional coaching alone would certainly not have been able to help the client so quickly and thoroughly. That's what makes Introvision Coaching so unique.